It’s been quite a while since my last post.

According to my plan I should’ve paid my first credit card by now.  The D (debt) day was
23 October 2016. I got excited about this date, I changed my password at work into I’m going to pay off my Halifax card on 23 October 2016 and I would remind myself of my amazing plan probably 100 times a day.

I was happy and excited and I did all this apart from one thing…paying my damn credit card. I did pay minimum payments and only used it once £20. The balance remained about £450 over these last few months. But that was ok, in my mind I was paying my card off on 23 October.

Then the D day came and I realised that although I could technically put big chunk of my salary into it, I was scared to do so. Apart from planning and “budgeting” in my head, nothing much happened. Pretty much – NOTHING happened.  And then it hit me, I realised that I’m emotionally attached to my debt. It’s been like that toxic friend that each of us probably dealt with once in their life. Although, I didn’t like him/her very much, I could always rely on them. Whenever I was too lazy to go out or start a new venture, I could always blame my “friend” for not doing it. It would go like this:

“I’m too broke to go out”

“I’m too broke to start this course”

“I’m too broke to travel”

“I’m too broke to start dating”

“I’m too broke to change my job”

Sounds familiar? My debt became my safety blanket. I started to use my debtscuses to shield myself from anything that could make me a better person, anything that I could fail in or simplu get hurt. For years now, I would always make plans, and although everything was very doable on paper – it was just safer when nothing ever happened.

Now, instead of  my big plans, I’m actually paying money into my credit card on a regular basis. Every 3-4 days I transfer £5 or £10. I celebrate each payment and I’m getting used to lower balance. It will be gone soon.